November 12, 2009

Planning my escape

I am still planning my escape and I’m trying to think positive about the future, hopefully one of my plans will work. I can’t stay here any longer that is for sure, just wonder where I will end up.

Got a surprise at work yesterday and not sure what to expect from that, but I might be off anyhow so who cares. Also got my results back from the doctor yesterday and they were not brilliant, a potentially major set back to my plans, but have I gone around with it for this long then I can cope with it in the future too.

Tomorrow I’m going to work on the fourth bad thing that happened last week, my second biggest problem, have to take half day of work but if I get this of my back then it is worth it.

November 10, 2009

Just trying to be happy

First of all I want to say K in Sweden I hope you feel better now, get well quick and take care…she probably doesn’t read my blog but anyway I am thinking about you.

I am still really sad and reeling from the pain and most of you have probably guessed what has happened. But I am not going to give up, I am not going to lie down and die, life must go on even if I don’t want it to.

Yes last week was bad and it has not got better this week, I have realised for me to survive I need to do something drastic as every day feels the same just with different faces and different names. I need to get out.

Yes someone will say to me; “You see I told you so I held you back” but that someone is so, so wrong. He never held me back, he made me feel anything was possible, he was the reason for my strength and my determination, he made my world a better happier place. I would have chosen him before anything AND been happy with my life.

Without him I feel numb, like I am dead inside and nothing else matters. This is the reason for why I am going to do what I am going to do, to feel alive and not think about how unhappy I am. I am scared as hell but I bloody well will do it. As Heidi Postlewait said; “There is nothing false about war. Loyalties are strong.The enemy is known.There is none of the subtleties and nuances of ordinary life; you’re at the core of every feeling. Nothing else matters but to stay alive.”

Funny how songs can make you realise what you need to do sometimes. I will not stand by the side and love in vain, be unhappy and safe. I gotta find my place, trying to be happy.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain ’cause love won’t set you free
I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
‘Cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

November 8, 2009

Phew…

At least one good thing has happened this week. My football team did not get relegated, but bloody hell what a nerve wrecking game it was. We lost 2-0 away in the first qualifier, so we needed a 3-0 win at home today. At 90 minutes played we are 2-0 up and the game goes into extra time, in the first 15 minutes period nothing happens, in the second extra period it looked more and more likely that it would go to penalties. Then a goal with just minutes to spare.

Football is definitely not good for the heart, so glad it is over and we didn’t get relegated.

Just wish I could celebrate it with someone.

November 7, 2009

Bad things come in threes…

…well at least I was hoping so because then nothing else would happen.

But guess what? Jupp something else happened today. If I put this on a scale and compare it to my other problems then it is not a minor problem but actually as bad as being my second worst problem.

Whey great life…not!

I am getting really feed up with my bad luck now, when is it going to stop?

A fifth bad thing will probably happen tomorrow although on my comparison scale it will be a minor one, but still fucking annoying.

November 6, 2009

Thanks…

…for caring and for all the sweet words, they mean a lot to me.

I’m really sad and so, so lonely right now, I’ve lost my soulmate and it hurts. The one I wanted to tell everything good and bad that’s happened, the one that always made me feel alright.
I’ve lost my footing and sense of direction in the world and I think it will take awhile before I get it back.

Was going to try Anna’s Swedish sweets and childrens movie tip to cheer me up but the bloody Swedish shop doesn’t sell any dvds, can’t watch tv either because it rains too much.

November 5, 2009

I feel ill…

really ill and all empty inside. All I want to do is get away, never ever felt like giving up my life here before but London has lost its sparkle.

Have looked at different things to do in order to get away, only one thing and one thing alone is tying me down. The dream would be 6-12 months away just travelling, if others have managed to do it why should I not be able to do it?

But first need to be able to sleep and eat, and get rid of feeling nauseated all the time.

November 3, 2009

All that I know is I’m breathing

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Life still sucks but hey I’m still breathing ;) and slightly more positive today….

Although probably because of HIGH doses of Ketchupmamman (only blog reading Swedes will get this one) and my unintentionally funny neighbour.

Tomorrow I will watch football in the pub whilst probably having a heart attack (if I’m lucky) and praying not to get relegated :s

November 2, 2009

Be OK

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

November 2, 2009

Sometimes life sucks…

Today life took a different turn in many ways (yes more than one), it knocked the air out of my lungs and stabbed me in the heart.

Not really sure what to do now?!?

Feel like I need to try something new as the life I planned just crumbled and fell.

Need to stop the empty void from growing and get my brain to work.

October 29, 2009

Two busy weeks

I haven’t written much lately for two reason;
A I’ve been too bloody busy
B Everytime I’ve had spare time wordpress has not worked properly, especially when it comes to images. Telling wordpress about it does not help either…stop sucking you’re supposed to be one of the best…

St Paul's & The Gherkin at night

The last two weeks started with a lovely London evening spent with Marliina we ate at Giraffe on the South Bank and managed to get both half priced cocktails AND cheap food…yes we were a bit sly there and paid for the drinks seperately, but hey we need to save money for flights ;) It was lovely to meet up again. As usual we mostly talked about how it is having a distance relationship, priorities, Sophie’s Choice and much more.

Then on Friday I met Karin for the first time at Nandos on Baker Street. It was like meeting an old friend, funny how it is with blogs you get to know people with out having met them before…although I know her brother well. Anyhow we had much in common, uni studies, past jobs, living in hostels etc, and time flew past.

harcourt_front_portraitSaturday I did a big mistake…I went to Portobello Road…GAH! Its mayhem in Notting Hill on Saturdays, tourists everywhere. I should have known better I bloody live in Notting Hill. Anyway managed to buy an engagement present and card for Jens and Stina so not a complete disaster.

Met up with Anna and Karin before we went to Jens and Stina’s engagement party at The harcourt for a great party, so many friends had turned up. The Harcourt will always be a special place, Stina met Jens there and I met my Sweetie there. I bumped into Sofia and probably made her think I’m a freak…lol…should not talk to strangers in the ladies loo, must learn appropriate places to say hello in…toilets not being one of them :)

Inspiralled Food Sunday I met Ingrid at the vegan cafe InSpiral Lounge in Camden. We only had tea and a smoothie and talked the time away, we are both going to India next year and we do quite a bit for charity. I could not stay long as I had too much to do but we decided to meet up again and visit a museum. As for the cafe I am sooo going to go back there again, although earlier on a week day so I can try their exciting food in peace.

Then finally Thursday last week Sweetie came to London, it was so lovely to see him again how I have been waiting. We made a pit stop at the Swedish Church to say hello to all their nice staff and catch up on some gossip, then of home. We relaxed a bit and then ate at Feng Sushi in Notting Hill, very cosy dining room and decent Sushi…not brilliant like Dinings sushi but then it is cheaper, a lot cheaper.

Friday I worked in the morning and then we met up in the Harcourt, to say hello to Martin, John and Dee. After that we were of to the Pipeline Bar to visit all of them there and eat some Swedish food, had some lovely chanterelle pasta only complaint it was a bit too salty. The evening we spent with Jenny eating at Wagamama and then all three of us met up with Jocke in the pub.

NFL US Flag Saturday and Sunday just blurred past, went to the Harcourt at 1 to see Swedish Allsvensk football, we’ve been rubbish this season and are almost relegated. But what happens…well we actually win a game despite having two players sent off, unbelievably we have a chance. Then we won the ice hockey too, what is going on?!? Afterward me, Sweetie and a few other guys celebrated with mexican food and Margaritas at Mestizo we ate waaay too much as someone ordered too much food…we were full up already by the starter which we mistook for the main course until the main courses started arriving :D NFL UK Flag Sunday we had to go up early for a Sunday (thank you winter time for the extra hour of sleep :) ) to get tickets for the NFL American football game…thanks bloody royal mail strikers for not delivering our post, get back to work you’re useless…

NFL Game startsWe finally got our reprinted tickets for Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs New England Patriots and checked out the tailgate party before the game, apart from the beer tailgate was shit. And by the way how the F&*K can you call it football??? You don’t touch the ball with your feet more than about 7-10 times per game…sounds like I don’t like the NFL but I do its just not FOOTball. The game was great, the patriots won, the atmosphere was fantastic with 84,000 spectators and lovely friends to watch the game with. Just a shame Buffy couldn’t make it, the biggest NFL fan in our group who bought our tickets and then couldn’t go due to a stupid exam…By the way we had fantastic seats thanks :P

When we got home Sweetie started to pack, I felt a bit ill and feverish (no not oink, oink) we ate pizza and went to bed. At three in the morning Sweetie started his journey home :( and I am again alone. We had a lovely time but sadly it as too short, I miss you already.

In Swedish
Har haft mycket att göra de senaste veckorna, träffat många vänner, ätit god mat, varit på förlovingsfest osv.

Sötnos kom även till London från torsdag till måndag morgon, så underbart att ses igen. Vi träffade gamla vänner, åt mycket bland annat svensk, japansk och mexikansk mat, kollade på allsvensk fotboll, svensk ishockey med vinster i båda vilket firades med mexikansk mat och margaritas. På söndagen så blev det amerikansk NFL fotboll på Wembley stadium, rätt lag vann och allt var mycket trevligt, tycker dock inte de ska kalla det FOTboll när de max rör vid bollen med foten typ 7-10 ggr per match, byt namn.

Hatade att sötnos åkte hem, det är tomt utan dig :(