And with a kiss I die.

Yesterday was the worst day in my life, I have never cried so much. Now if feel all empty and dead inside.

Yesterday showed me that I have been living in denial these last two and a half weeks, I have pretended it did not happen and hidden my head in the sand.

He came over late on Thursday to pack up all his things, this is the first time I’ve seen him since he dumped me. Looking at him reminded me of how much I love him, his beautiful smile, those eyes I just want to look at, his voice, his smell…

Until I saw him I had refused to believe it, I had hope left that he might still love me or maybe look at me and change his mind and remember all the good things.

But the person standing infront of me was someone who did not love me at all, and never will again.  As he packed his things our life together died piece by piece, there is no going back now. I have not only lost the love of my life but my best friend and soul mate.

I have previously said that even if we break up I will always be his friend, and so I shall be but not yet. It hurts too much right now, everytime I will hear anything from him I will start hoping that maybe just maybe he loves me and then when I realise he doesn’t all the pain will come back again. I am not going to twist the knife this time.

He left early this morning, as I kissed him goodbye Romeo’s last words came into my mind “with a kiss I die.” I am not going to top myself but like Romeo and Juliet but I felt how I died inside.

Now I really have to get out of here, I need something new to focus on and stop the pain.

“If life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

“If life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

With all the lemons I’ve been handed I should be able to make lots of lemonade. Hopefully either my A, B or C plan will turn into lemonade.

Thinking positive

 

 

 

Pain in the neck :(

It bloody hurts and it is annoying the shit out of me

Without my friends I would be nothing!

“Men will come and go but your friends will always be there.”

I was discussing with Marliina the important things in life and how we prioritise them and she was saying how important friends and family are since men will come and go but friends will always be there for you.

This is so true without my friends I would have lost my mind these last few weeks. You have helped me keep busy, I have always had somewhere to go and something to do in the evenings and weekends. If I have needed to talk there has always been someone there to answer the phone.

When I did my priority list in September I put my partner as first priority, so would I change my list now when I’m single?
The answer is no I wouldn’t. Of course my partner has to come first, I don’t move in with my girlfriends (sorry you’re lovely, but no) and spending so much time together you need to be important in each others lives. Also he will be my confidant, the person I can tell anything and share everything that happens in my life. In other words my soulmate. Your partner is someone you are meant to spend the greater part of your life with, once your kids are grown up and flown the nest your partner is still supposed to be there, how could this person be anything other then your first priority? In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do us part.

Who would I spend christmas with? My partner of course, if work allows I would always choose my partner before family and friends…ok not if we only had been dating for a few weeks But what I mean is you HAVE TO prioritise each other if you want it to succeed. Obviously this doesn’t mean one person is always right and you always give in to the other. No a good relationship is where you can compromise, somtimes you do this and other times that and sometimes you meet in the middle.

Of course it doesn’t always work out but you still have to give it 100% everytime you are in a relationship if not obviously the relationship will fail as you never gave it a chance in the first place. If you are holding back because you were hurt in the past don’t, you have to take chances for a relationship to work.

But just because my partner comes before family and friends doesn’t make them less important. If any partner forced me to choose between him or my friends and family he would be history, anyone who forces you to choose is not worth your time.

If anyone choses work/career on the top spot then I think you are a bit sad or in a very bad relationship. I would never put my career in front of my personal happiness although I agree that work is important it is not everything. It is not wrong to focus on work, to educate yourself and work hard, what is wrong is always prioritising work before partners, family and friends. Obviously some are not so lucky to have this choice, some have to travel abroad legally or illegally to work in order to feed their families. We owe it to these people to spend time with our partners/family because that is what they would do if they had a choice.

Below is my original list and the comments I wrote, which I still stand by today;
- Partner
- Family
- Friends
- Hobbies/ Interests
- Work/Career
- “Have Fun”
- Training/ Exercise
- Party
- Money
- Shopping

Shopping is so unimportant to me, money as well. But hobbies/ interests is to have fun but also to train, I like to run, cycle, climb, camp, dive and that is both having fun, hobbies/ interests AND training. And also I like to do these thing with my partner and friends.

Please list them yourself in my comments or on your own blog.

I’m in pain

The pain I feel this time is indescribable. Much worse than any previous times. But the pain is different this time. This one he didn’t lie, he didn’t cheat and he didn’t aim to hurt me, my confidence and belief in men is intact. But this makes it even worse and I miss him so much more.

I need to move on, I need to be able to breath again. So I have got an A plan, a B plan and even a C plan.

A is exciting and would take care of my finances too.

B is extremely exciting but scary as hell, it will really make me broke, very broke + I will have to get rid of everything I own and have.

C not as exciting but the life quality will be better, would be broke for a year or two but I would have a nice life. But the problems are I am not sure if it will be drastic enough to take away the pain and this one will not start in the beginning of the year like the others.

Planning my escape

I am still planning my escape and I’m trying to think positive about the future, hopefully one of my plans will work. I can’t stay here any longer that is for sure, just wonder where I will end up.

Got a surprise at work yesterday and not sure what to expect from that, but I might be off anyhow so who cares. Also got my X-ray results back from the doctor yesterday and they were not brilliant, a potentially major set back to my plans, but have I gone around with it for this long then I can cope with it in the future too.

Tomorrow I’m going to work on the fourth bad thing that happened last week, my second biggest problem, have to take half day of work but if I get this of my back then it is worth it.

Just trying to be happy

First of all I want to say K in Sweden I hope you feel better now, get well quick and take care…she probably doesn’t read my blog but anyway I am thinking about you.

I am still really sad and reeling from the pain and most of you have probably guessed what has happened. But I am not going to give up, I am not going to lie down and die, life must go on even if I don’t want it to.

Yes last week was bad and it has not got better this week, I have realised for me to survive I need to do something drastic as every day feels the same just with different faces and different names. I need to get out.

Yes someone will say to me; “You see I told you so I held you back” but that someone is so, so wrong. He never held me back, he made me feel anything was possible, he was the reason for my strength and my determination, he made my world a better happier place. I would have chosen him before anything AND been happy with my life.

Without him I feel numb, like I am dead inside and nothing else matters. This is the reason for why I am going to do what I am going to do, to feel alive and not think about how unhappy I am. I am scared as hell but I bloody well will do it. As Heidi Postlewait said; “There is nothing false about war. Loyalties are strong.The enemy is known.There is none of the subtleties and nuances of ordinary life; you’re at the core of every feeling. Nothing else matters but to stay alive.”

Funny how songs can make you realise what you need to do sometimes. I will not stand by the side and love in vain, be unhappy and safe. I gotta find my place, trying to be happy.

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can’t have everything
Don’t you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don’t you love in vain ’cause love won’t set you free
I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don’t care about all the pain in front of me
‘Cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Phew…

At least one good thing has happened this week. My football team did not get relegated, but bloody hell what a nerve wrecking game it was. We lost 2-0 away in the first qualifier, so we needed a 3-0 win at home today. At 90 minutes played we are 2-0 up and the game goes into extra time, in the first 15 minutes period nothing happens, in the second extra period it looked more and more likely that it would go to penalties. Then a goal with just minutes to spare.

Football is definitely not good for the heart, so glad it is over and we didn’t get relegated.

Just wish I could celebrate it with someone.

Bad things come in threes…

…well at least I was hoping so because then nothing else would happen.

But guess what? Jupp something else happened today. If I put this on a scale and compare it to my other problems then it is not a minor problem but actually as bad as being my second worst problem.

Whey great life…not!

I am getting really feed up with my bad luck now, when is it going to stop?

A fifth bad thing will probably happen tomorrow although on my comparison scale it will be a minor one, but still fucking annoying.

Thanks…

…for caring and for all the sweet words, they mean a lot to me.

I’m really sad and so, so lonely right now, I’ve lost my soulmate and it hurts. The one I wanted to tell everything good and bad that’s happened, the one that always made me feel alright.
I’ve lost my footing and sense of direction in the world and I think it will take awhile before I get it back.

Was going to try Anna’s Swedish sweets and childrens movie tip to cheer me up but the bloody Swedish shop doesn’t sell any dvds, can’t watch tv either because it rains too much.