Monthly Archives: November 2009

Fuck this shit…

today I am off to Paris for a while.

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So lonely

I am so lonely all I want to do is call, text, email or msn him. I want to hear his voice saying that everything is alright, well actually it would do with his voice just saying anything to me, just Hi would suffice. Not being in touch with him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My heart breaks everytime I hear something about him from mutual friends or if someone that doesn’t know we’ve broken up ask me about him.

I had photos of him on my desk at work, I had placed them in a drawer 3 weeks ago and stumbled by mistake over them today. As my hand touched the photos I was mesmerised, I couldn’t stop looking and my mind played tricks on me as it almost felt like I was stroking his face like I used to.

Not a minute passes by without me thinking about him, I know I have to stay away from him to heal but I am going absolutely mad trying to avoid him. To stop myself I have to keep busy non stop and it is wearing me down. If I sit still on my own it is just me and my thoughts and then I almost have to sit on my hands to stop mysef from doing anything stupid.

What did you do to get over someone you loved?  And no I am not taking burning Voodoo dolls as an answer.

I wanna run away from love, this time I have had enough.
Everytime I feel your touch, I’m broken.
Shattered all the pieces of parts.
Never thought I’d fall so hard.
I’m putting back together my heart, It’s broken.

I know it’s gonna take some time,to finally realize.
I got nothing left inside, nothing to hide, Im broken, broken, broken

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I need to get the hell out of Dodge

I have to get the hell out of here, and I mean soon. This place is suffocating me right now, everywhere I turn there is christmas and happy couples.

For me there is only darkness and cold winter, no christmas to look forward to. For some reason I am only scared of the darkness when it is cold, and this winter is worse than previous winters. It feels like the darkness is taking me over when I am out, it’s eating me alive. The winter together with being reminded of my old life in London at every turn is too much for me right now.

If you have a job for me in Asia, Africa or even in South America let me know, only serious offers though so scammers don’t bother. Preferably jobs in the humanitarian, migration and/or development field. I would even consider Spain, France and Germany.

Although what I really want and need would be 6-12 months away just travelling, I so want to pack everything in, not think and just exist. But my financial situation makes this choice impossible, unless a friendly soul out there wants to give a helping hand.

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And with a kiss I die.

Yesterday was the worst day in my life, I have never cried so much. Now if feel all empty and dead inside.

Yesterday showed me that I have been living in denial these last two and a half weeks, I have pretended it did not happen and hidden my head in the sand.

He came over late on Thursday to pack up all his things, this is the first time I’ve seen him since he dumped me. Looking at him reminded me of how much I love him, his beautiful smile, those eyes I just want to look at, his voice, his smell…

Until I saw him I had refused to believe it, I had hope left that he might still love me or maybe look at me and change his mind and remember all the good things.

But the person standing infront of me was someone who did not love me at all, and never will again.  As he packed his things our life together died piece by piece, there is no going back now. I have not only lost the love of my life but my best friend and soul mate.

I have previously said that even if we break up I will always be his friend, and so I shall be but not yet. It hurts too much right now, everytime I will hear anything from him I will start hoping that maybe just maybe he loves me and then when I realise he doesn’t all the pain will come back again. I am not going to twist the knife this time.

He left early this morning, as I kissed him goodbye Romeo’s last words came into my mind “with a kiss I die.” I am not going to top myself like Romeo and Juliet but I felt how I died inside.

Now I really have to get out of here, I need something new to focus on and stop the pain.

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“If life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

“If life hands you lemons, make lemonade”

With all the lemons I’ve been handed I should be able to make lots of lemonade. Hopefully either my A, B or C plan will turn into lemonade.

Thinking positive 🙂

 

 

 

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Pain in the neck :(

It bloody hurts and it is annoying the shit out of me 😦

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Without my friends I would be nothing!

“Men will come and go but your friends will always be there.”

I was discussing with Marliina the important things in life and how we prioritise them and she was saying how important friends and family are since men will come and go but friends will always be there for you.

This is so true without my friends I would have lost my mind these last few weeks. You have helped me keep busy, I have always had somewhere to go and something to do in the evenings and weekends. If I have needed to talk there has always been someone there to answer the phone.

When I did my priority list in September I put my partner as first priority, so would I change my list now when I’m single?
The answer is no I wouldn’t. Of course my partner has to come first, I don’t move in with my girlfriends (sorry you’re lovely, but no) and spending so much time together you need to be important in each others lives. Also he will be my confidant, the person I can tell anything and share everything that happens in my life. In other words my soulmate. Your partner is someone you are meant to spend the greater part of your life with, once your kids are grown up and flown the nest your partner is still supposed to be there, how could this person be anything other then your first priority? In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death do us part.

Who would I spend christmas with? My partner of course, if work allows I would always choose my partner before family and friends…ok not if we only had been dating for a few weeks 😉 But what I mean is you HAVE TO prioritise each other if you want it to succeed. Obviously this doesn’t mean one person is always right and you always give in to the other. No a good relationship is where you can compromise, somtimes you do this and other times that and sometimes you meet in the middle.

Of course it doesn’t always work out but you still have to give it 100% everytime you are in a relationship if not obviously the relationship will fail as you never gave it a chance in the first place. If you are holding back because you were hurt in the past don’t, you have to take chances for a relationship to work.

But just because my partner comes before family and friends doesn’t make them less important. If any partner forced me to choose between him or my friends and family he would be history, anyone who forces you to choose is not worth your time.

If anyone choses work/career on the top spot then I think you are a bit sad or in a very bad relationship. I would never put my career in front of my personal happiness although I agree that work is important it is not everything. It is not wrong to focus on work, to educate yourself and work hard, what is wrong is always prioritising work before partners, family and friends. Obviously some are not so lucky to have this choice, some have to travel abroad legally or illegally to work in order to feed their families. We owe it to these people to spend time with our partners/family because that is what they would do if they had a choice.

Below is my original list and the comments I wrote, which I still stand by today;
– Partner
– Family
– Friends
– Hobbies/ Interests
– Work/Career
– “Have Fun”
– Training/ Exercise
– Party
– Money
– Shopping

Shopping is so unimportant to me, money as well. But hobbies/ interests is to have fun but also to train, I like to run, cycle, climb, camp, dive and that is both having fun, hobbies/ interests AND training. And also I like to do these thing with my partner and friends.

Please list them yourself in my comments or on your own blog.

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